Why does time feel like it is constantly against you? I realise that might have sounded quite philosophical for me, but it is true! Whenever you are at school, working or performing some arduous task, time seems to drone on forever, but when you finally make it to something that you enjoy and want to be doing, time feels like it is gone in the blink of an eye.
This realisation has been quite appropriate recently, as I have started to feel the balance slip between times when I am happy, and times when I am not. When I say that, I don’t mean to say I feel sad a lot of the time, but just more that sometimes I feel a bit adrift, not knowing what to do with myself. When I am occupied with something to do, everything feels fine, and I feel as though I am being productive, so I tend not to worry as much. But then when I don’t have anything to do or I don’t know what I’m going to be doing in the near future, I start to feel stressed and really on edge, I begin to overthink everything and can’t seem to stop, until I have eventually found something to do.
I don’t remember ever feeling like this before, I used to be one of those kids that could just quite happily sit and watch mind-numbing shows for hours on end and never think twice. I don’t know whether this is just a normal part of growing up or not, the feeling that you can’t relax or even just take care of yourself until you have almost ‘earnt it’.
I have started to try to be a bit less hard on myself and realise that I am 'Notnot a machine’ as my mum puts it, but I just can’t help it sometimes, the idea that I am being lazy or wasting time if I am not always doing something productive. These thoughts have become quite exhausting recently and have left me a little low. However, I am going to make more of an effort to not let myself become consumed by these negative thoughts, and just let myself enjoy life without feeling guilty.
But anyway, sorry to bring down the mood, on to more cheery things. I have just gotten my first interim report back, which was the sort of academic validation I needed after feeling quite down recently. I have somehow managed to be predicted all A*s, so no pressure or anything! Also, my teachers definitely lie in those reports, all year they complain about the noise level in class being too high, but then on the report they manage to more elegantly sugar coat all that chatting as ‘insightful input in class discussions’. All that aside though, it was really nice to feel like my work and effort has gone towards something.
The Christmas concert draws closer, and I can’t tell whether I am more excited or anxious. It isn’t the idea of singing for a big audience that makes me nervous (surprisingly), but more the fact that people I know might be there. It’s weird that isn’t it? That you tend to feel more nervous performing in front of people that you know love and support you, as opposed to complete strangers. I suppose it must be that you feel more pressure when it is people that you know, as you don’t want to let them down. I really hope I do well, I am really excited about being able to sing for a big audience, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do.
One positive aspect of sixth form, aside from weekly group trips to Morrisons, is that there is never a shortage of parties. Last night’s party was…eventful to say the least! One of the best parts about a party, is that everything comes out. Tensions that have been built up throughout the week finally leads to something more, and people that you would never have paired together suddenly become a thing. The compulsory sleepover debrief is always hilarious as well. However, the party did leave me feeling slightly jaded for my 3-hour volunteering shift this morning, but it was worth it!
